Pro-Procrastination


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There are probably better ways to use my time.

You guys. I have a lot of lame hobbies. Among these, there’s looking at calendars online (not shopping for them, not printing them out and USING them.. just looking at them in awe), e-stalking this person, freaking out when I recognize actors that play secondary characters across different shows*

*TIME OUT FOR A RELEVANT EXAMPLE

In my last post I posted a clip of Glee where Sandy Ryerson yells at someone for not knowing who Josh Groban is. Last weekend, I watched Groundhog Day with Ernesto and was super excited to see a young, less pastel-covered Sandy (whose name is Stephen Toboloswky IRL) hanging out with Bill Murray.

    

While I was looking for relevant pictures to put on this blog, I found THIS ONE..

.. and then it took like 20 seconds to find Stephen Tobolowsky’s AMA and his podcast. Which I am listening to right now. He’s talking about yogurt and heart surgery and being a terrible bowler. (!!!!)
Okay, so that unprecedented detour does a pretty good job of depicting how I spend an alarming amount of my free time. It’s an even more alarming amount now that I’m in this awkward space before school and work start again. Since Ernesto already has a life, I spend most of the day alone in our apartment trying to ignore the 3 boxes that have been halfway unpacked for the past 3 weeks and dividing my time between the hobbies previously discussed and watching old episodes of Project Runway.
At first, I was like, “Why is this the first time I’m watching this show? I should’ve listened to Person From High School Who Recommended It. This show is incredible. Omg Tim Gunn.” And thennn I realized that what I love about this show is that it’s exactly like watching episodes of people working on art projects at Carleton until 4 in the morning, had those episodes ever been filmed. It took 3 years of being in Boliou the night before (or morning of) a deadline, running on no sleep and being surrounded by 11-15 people who are freaking out, followed by a 2-hour critique where everyone tells you all the different ways they hate your piece and one part they liked about it to appreciate what goes on in Project Runway. Granted, Michael Kors is a little bit more creative with the insults he hands out, but you get the picture. So yeah, I’ve felt sort of like a veteran who can’t stop watching war movies.
In an attempt to feel less gross about myself after finishing Season 8, I started looking for new books for my Kindle. Ernesto got me The Firm and well.. okay, I thought I’d lost all respect for John Grisham when I learned he was responsible for Christmas with the Kranks. WRONG. It turns out that I still had a light at the end of my John Grisham tunnel, and that light disappeared with The Firm. I don’t think I’m even ready to talk about this yet. I’m definitely not one against trashy novels (remember sophomore fall term at Carleton, when I read like 4 Princess Diary Books AND the entire Queen of Babble series AND both of the Bridget Jones’ Diary books? If it sounds super lonely and pitiful, it’s cause it was. But at least it was enjoyable), but The Firm made me want to sue John Grisham for allowing himself to accept a spot on the bestseller list.

After that debacle, I was browsing r/kindlefreebies and THIS IS WHERE IT GETS GOOD I found this website that has a hundred free e-books.. Oh man. Oh. Man. I don’t even have the words to convey how terrible/awesome it was, so I’ve picked out a few of the most memorable titles (accompanied by the original cover art and a brief description by the author):

My favorite cover is definitely Plankton We Have Heard on High, but it’s tough to choose. Part of me sort of wants to download some of these and see if the inside is as entertaining as the outside, but I don’t want to spoil the illusion.


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State of the Paulina Pt. 2

Paulina is melting – The weather forecast in Dallas has been 108 degrees for the past two weeks, which hasn’t been too bad since I decided the other day to never go outside for the rest of the summer. The best part of not having any air conditioning in my car is that I’ve spent a lot of time bonding with random strangers on the road when I see them with all four windows down, just like me. One guy actually gave us a thumbs-up when Ernesto and I pulled up next to him at a red light. The good news is that next Friday we’re supposed to hit a refreshing 97 degrees!

Paulina can’t stop watching Breaking Bad – UM I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START. I don’t think I’ve been this simultaneously horrified and enthralled by a teledrama since LOST, which is saying a lot considering that Breaking Bad is zero parts magical realism and all parts meth/Mexican drug dealers. And fantastic music, like this scene where they play Tamacun. Also, does Walt look familiar to you? You might have seen him in Malcolm in the Middle..

OR IN DRIVE COSTARRING ALONGSIDE RYAN GOSLING!
Bryan Cranston plays Shannon in Drive, and he worked on the movie in the middle of playing Walt in Breaking Bad. I like to think that there’s a missing Breaking Bad episode out there somewhere that highlights the strained relationship between Walt and Jesse as the former is forced to choose partners. 
Rough storyboard:
 “He’s leaving me for Ryan, isn’t he?”
It’s a character development jackpot. Besides the fabulous connections this show has with Ryan Gozlin’, it also constantly refers to places/names that have been a part of my life for a long time like Tampico and Salamanca. Hearing them tossed around in dialogue while referring to meth and murder is slightly offputting, but I’ll take what I can get. ALSO, Jesse Pinkman’s character and I are both allergic to erythromycin! If that isn’t enough to justify my unhealthy addiction to this show, I don’t know what will. 

Paulina is shocked and appalled– Given that the chances of the Red Sox getting their faces out of their butts in time to make the play-offs are slim to none, Ernesto and I finally admitted that we probably are not going to see a Rangers vs. BoSox baseball game this fall. Then I got really excited about maybe getting tickets to see the girls 2012 gymnastics team perform alongside Nastia Liukin in Dallas. Aaaaaand that’s when I learned that Ernesto doesn’t know who Nastia Liukin is. Um. Our exchange was something like this:

Paulina miraculously hasn’t run out of tears yet – The amount of crying I do for anything Olympics-related is disgusting. It doesn’t even have to be an athletic event, it could just be a Fruit of the Loom commercial with a vague allusion to gymnastics and I guarantee that I will be mopping bucketfuls of my tears away. The amount of crying I did at the opening ceremony ALONE easily quadruples the amount of crying I did when one of my family’s dogs died this year (sorry Buddy.. nothing personal). THE BEST (and by ‘best’ I mean ‘worst’) part of the 3 hour+ opening ceremony was that my family and I spent all of it at Buffalo Wild Wings, where the waitress kept politely asking if everything was alright and I had to pretend to be super interested in my spinach-artichoke dip so she wouldn’t see how red my eyes were from bawling at the tv screens.


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Missed You

Hey there Internet old buddy old pal! It’s been a long, dark and desolate week without you. By ‘long, dark and desolate,’ I actually mean ‘warm and sunny and next to the beach’. And surrounded by Mexico’s finest federal police and army personnel! This year, da homeland had the honor of hosting the annual G20, so everyone at Los Cabos cleaned up real nice. We stayed at the same hotel that hosted  the Russian representatives, which meant that we had to walk through metal detectors and let security X-ray our stuff every time we felt like going through the lobby. Although that made it feel like we never really left the airport, the hotel made up for it by very conveniently activating free WiFi in the lobby just as Russia’s finance ministers checked in. Clever girl..

We spared no expense. (4 RUSSIA!!!)

That said, the only person who used the free WiFi was my dad, who needed to go online to read his birthday wall posts on FB. AND book us a room in a different hotel so we wouldn’t be homeless on Saturday night, since G20 took up all the weekend rooms.

Speaking of Russia messing things up, HOW ABOUT DAT EUROCUP?! Ernesto and I were constantly peeking into bars along the streets in Cabo to get the game scores all week, and the look on his face when Russia lost to Greece was pretty dang satisfying. So satisfying, in fact, that it almost made me forget that Greece > Russia was probably the only upset that I didn’t put on my 2012 EurUpset Bracket. I’m happy to see losers come out on top, but it would’ve been cool if the losers I’d wanted to win would do so. LOOKING ATCHU, THE NETHERLANDS.  What does it feel like to see my predicted 2012 Eurocup Champ get eliminated in the group phase with a grand total of Z E R O points? Sort of like this:

WTH THE NETHERLANDS 

Spending the next few weeks watching my bracket fall into lower and lower percentile rankings won’t be so bad as long as Spain doesn’t win this thing. I swear to you over all that is dear to me, I’ll probably claw my eyes out with soccer cleats if I have to watch Spain carry a Eurocup Trophy out of that stadium.

This whole rant about my complicated feelings regarding the Eurocup was supposed to be a tweet, but well. Obviously 140 characters wasn’t going to cut it. Why do I even have a twitter? All I do is go past the character limit and creep on Amelie Gillette. No less than half of the tweets I start to type are Young Money lyrics, but I’ve managed to self-censor myself in time for each one (you’re welcome, world). 
I can tell that this is very quickly going to turn into a ranty rant, so here’s a summary of what it was like to get back in touch with the Internet after a week of webstinence (GEDDIT): 
1. Go on ESPN.com and hate own bracket 
2. Go on Twitter and hate own twitterature 
3. Go on Gmail and be shocked at lack of new emails since last log-in. Realize this is mostly due to the end of Carleton.
4. Go on here to see someone else articulate my feelings about graduating better than I can.
5. Go on Youtube to listen to Selena sing “Amor Prohibido” as I entertain my sadness while mourning the late and great Chicana supastar.
6. Go on Selena’s wiki and learn that George W. Bush made April 16th “Selena Day” in Texas. Gain the first inkling of sincere appreciation for the former president. Get more excited to move to Texas in a week and a half. 


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22B422 Pt. 3: My dream job as Pawnee Muralist

I’m already behind on this project despite the 2-day handicap I gave myself, so let’s get at it.
Some people have lofty, respectable goals in life: save lives every day at Seattle Grace Mercy West hospital, run the Boston Marathon, back-up dance with Justin Bieber*, etc.

* Actually, back-up dancing with Justin is my Number 2 Dream Job. I just wrote a really long tangent describing my ideal “Boyfriend” music video, but I’m gonna save it for tomorrow’s post.

So anyway, my Number 1 Dream Job is to be the Pawnee Parks and Recreation muralist, and here are 6 reasons why:

1. The 1914 Pawnee Zoo, which housed a Jewish ornithologist.

2. Pawnee’s Sunday Boxing matches in the 1880’s. 

3. The trial of Chief Wamapo, who was accused “being Indian,” a crime punishable by death in 1834. 

4. The Spirit of Pawnee.. there are like 10 scenes going on here. Like a Chinese man eating a hamburger.

5. The progressive wedding between a Wamapoke chief and a white woman which ended in a bloodbath. 

6. The traveling magician who was burned at the stake for being accused of witchcraft in 1973. 
If I’ve learned anything from being a studio art major, it’s that it’s a lot easier to paint a joke than to paint something you want to be taken seriously. It’s also a lot funner to paint a joke (ZURICH DADA I’M LOOKING AT YOU). So why not get paid $10,000 for each one?! I’m telling you, this job would be the best thing ever, plus I’d get to use up that $20 tube of titanium white oil paint I still haven’t finished. 
Like everything else in Parks and Rec, the murals are exaggerations based on truths, and I’d like to argue that while the paintings are mostly for laughs, they also remind the audience of unattractive periods in U.S. history that usually get glossed over. This post isn’t going to get into a tangled up argument about whether trivializing those events does more harm than good, I’m sure you can find plenty of those  somewhere else. I just want to say that the murals are more than just jokes, and that their satirical take on politics has the potential to contribute more to our education and understanding of U.S. history than most contemporary art. 

7. BONUS REASON: The McSteamy music box. Are you looking at this?!! It looks photoshopped BUT IT’S NOT. IT’S MARK SLOANE INSIDE OF A MUSIC BOX!!! Probably singing “Let him know that you know best/ cause after all, you do know best.”As Pawnee muralist, I would obviously take the reigns for this and other sculpture projects that objectify my favorite TV characters. Ernesto and I just watched this episode today and I about choked on my dinner in utter surprise/glee/adoration when Amy Poehler popped this up. Greg Daniels and Michael Schur, this is the best early birthday present I could have asked for.


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Shameless Copypasta

Courtesy of Randall Munroe. 

NOW INVENT AN IMPOSSIBLE-TO-TRANSLATE LANGUAGE AND USE IT TO TELL US WHERE THE MONEY IS.


This comic just made my day. 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 <– can you tell? My art history education has never paid off so much. 

I feel like I have to write other things or this post is going to be too tumblr-y. Saturday night, my family and I ate at Canadian Honker, where the Robert Coats band was playing live music. Just before we left, they played the CatDog theme song (!!), to which Francisco and I sang along flawlessly. My brief exposure to Cartoon Network has never paid off so much. 

There are also few choice words I have to say about Pinterest, but I’ll probably hold onto that for next term’s non-fiction workshop. sTaY tUnEd!

peace


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Two Things. Also, spoilers.

1. Hey! So it’s winter break, which means that when I’m not sleeping 10 hours a night and listening to Michael Buble’s Christmas album, I’m unearthing diamonds in the rough like this guy (or woman.. ah?!!?):

I AM MRS. NESBITT!

NO WORDS! Coming from someone who has dressed up as Toy Story characters/ props several times (once as the pterodactyl doll from Andy’s room, once as the bowl of Fruit Loops Woody dunks his head into.. don’t worry, I’m looking for the pictures) , I can only say that I have nothing but rock solid admiration and love for this man, who has pulled off the world’s greatest Toy Story costume I’ve ever seen.

2. Also, Grey’s Anatomy remains the single most impressively jaw-dropping teledrama I have ever laid eyes on. I know it sucks when people talk nonstop about TV shows.. but I can’t help it. This show has broken about ten million glass ceilings on what is okay to show on television and how much human suffering viewers are capable of withstanding before taking their eyes out with an ice cream scoop (which is essentially what I would have to do if I wanted to stop watching this show). For example :

The one where Izzy goes crazy and cuts her fiance’s LVAD wire, then spends like week in the bathroom in her prom dress when he dies anyway, then has hallucinations for a year. 
The one where someone shoots McDreamy IN THE HEART.
The episode where two people were impaled with the same pole. Actually. And they were facing each other, so one had to watch the other die as he got pulled off.
Mediocre medical teledramas might draw the line at Stephen King-esque hallucinations or double impalements, but Grey’s Anatomy spares no expense. NO EXPENSE. Which is how they got to episode 18 of season 7 .. the Musical. 

It’s not enough that Dr. Callie Torres and her baby (Dr. Sloane’s baby!)  are about ten minutes away from dying, but everyone has to be singing The Fray’s “How to Save A Life” while they are literally failing to save her life. I don’t know whose idea this was, but I’m making it my duty to:

Step One – Find out who and tell them we need to talk.
Step Two – Say ‘Sit down, it’s just a talk.”
Step Three – Punch them in the face for letting Ellen Pompeo sing at all. Not even The Fray deserves that sort of suffering.. please.
Step Four – Sign over my soul in gratitude for allowing Dr. Sloane to sing a whole half a verse, which I have engraved into my heart for time and all eternity.  I have fallen in love with Mark Sloane about sixty times during this show, and “Let him know that you know best, cause after all you do know best,” makes this the 61st time.


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List of Thoughts I Am Too Lazy To Make Into A Real Post

1. My dad and I got to see Andrea Ledesma in Munich! She and Jörg took the two-hour train from Neumarkt and spent Sunday eating white sausage and seeing impressionist paintings and drinking German punch with us. I tell you this so that you will think we are classy and cultured, when really the opposite is true because my dad and I spent Monday night watching Friends in German. Really it was just me watching Friends with a German phrasebook in hand trying to see what the laughtrack was laughing at while my dad was Skyp(e?)ing with my mom. Other notes about the trip..

–  ABSURDLY expensive internet ($6 euro per hour. PER HOUR!)
– ABSURDLY amazing Michael Jackson altar randomly sitting there on a street. I mean there is some seriously heartfelt fandom going on in Munich. 

The king of Bavaria is no match for the king of pop. 
MJ = Just another part of Munich. 
Speaking of Michael Jackson, this video does a pretty good job of showing exactly what I look like 90% of the time I’m in the kitchen. 

2. The latest Modern Family episode confirmed yet again that Cameron Tucker and I are the exact same person. Exactly. It is mildly terrifying. Even though I’m sure that none of you are in the least bit interested by the freakish similarities between me and TV’s most loveable gay dad, I am taking notes to dedicate a whole post (with actual sentence structure) to this. The jist of it will probably be something along the lines of: Paulina Lopez and Cameron Tucker: Hypersensitive, passive aggressive, believe “the more you spend the more you save,” invest way too much meaning on random events and cry for hours when others do not remember dozens upon dozens of these tiny but meaningful moments, own too many shirts, have an unhealthy relationship with food, etc.  Stay tuned.


3.  Why yes, I did see The Muppet Movie in theatres. Twice. I wouldn’t want to see it a third time because everything about Walter makes me want to punch him in the face. Everything about Kermit makes me want to punch him in the face, too. It’s the same feeling I got from Mickey Mouse, or Tommy from the Rugrats/All Grown Up, or Little Foot from The Land Before Time. There’s something about these characters that makes me feel like I’m being conned.

4. I tried making a list of the top five worst Christmas songs, but all I could come up was Christmas with Weezer, the Christmas album my sister keeps playing around the house.

 I’m into celebrity Christmas albums as much as the next person, but whoever thought that a rock version of O Come All Ye Faithful and O Holy Night would be a good idea is doing the world a disservice.

5. I was going to write something about Herman Cain and Pokemon, but these guys say it best. Needless to say, I was crossing my fingers that he’d quote the ancient prophecy with the clever plot-twisting “ash” pun.