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Your Major Sucks

Unless you’re one of the twelve chaplain’s associates on campus, you came to Carleton College because you’re an open-minded atheist who fills in the ‘religion’ slot on Facebook with “LOLZ”. Quit beating around the bush and let’s say what we mean: you’re majoring in Southeast Asian Bits of Wisdom That Are Easy to Quote and Don’t Conflict with Laws of Physics.

Asian Studies
The rest of campus is well aware that the common ChristoJudeoIslamicisms aren’t trendy enough for your Yogalates/Herb-infused lifestyle, and actually, everyone secretly wishes they could be as exotic as you in every aspect of their lives. But instead of wallpapering our dorms with mystic waterfall posters or handpainted calendars outlined in Confucianisms, we celebrate our Asian mystique by watching anime.

Environmental Studies
Here’s what happened: someone got you to watch An Inconvenient Truth and Planet Earth. You fell in love with saving the precious world we live in. You took Intro Bio and realized you suck at science. You suck at labs. You suck at the facts. But you LOVE THE NATURAL WORLD WITH ALL YOUR BEING and nothing is going to stop you from patching up the ozone layer and building schools out of recycled Lipton bottles! Nothing.

Ever since you got back from the Paris study-abroad program, you realized several things. 1. Smoking isn’t stupid if you’re foreign. 2. Making snotty remarks about American fashion and the way no one make coffee the right way can be more than a hobby.. it can be the focus of your liberal arts education!

Kurt Meister.


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This Could Be A Bad Thing

You: I should be a little more afraid of you than I feel right now. Somehow, you’ve made my calendar evaporate into thin air, and now I’ve got two weeks staring me in the face with an axe in hand, saying “HEEEEERE’S JOHNNY”. How do I tell my body to start freaking out a little more?

You: are what I care about the very least right now. Stop getting in the way.

You: It feels like we’ve gotten to a truce, sort of. You’re alright, in doses. You’re overpriced and annoying, but most connecting flights are. It sucks having to wander around for two hours, browsing through the airport stores for watches and t-shirts and massage pillows that you’ll never buy – but eventually, it takes you to where you want to go, with who you want to be. That’s your merit. Whether the in-between waiting time is 2 trimesters or another year or all four depends on a whole other list of things, and that isn’t really your fault. I guess.

You: Still not so sure about what I want to say to you. Mostly, I want to list off a bunch of church/fire puns to get rid the knot in my stomach (Stake Conference burned them out. The Spirit of God like a fire was burning. and so on). It’s a weird feeling, like going up the stairs and taking another step when you’ve already gone all the way up. Your foot comes flying down through empty space and comes to a stop before you were ready. It isn’t immediate tragedy, it’s more like an uncomfortable disorientation. Where’s the floor? Where’s my foot? Where’s my chapel?