Pro-Procrastination


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Hurray! and so forth

WELL 36 sleepless hours, 1852 words and one visual aid later, I’m done with finals. AND WITH CARLETON COLLEGE? Apparently? It’s 10:26 p.m. on June 3rd and I’ve been up since 10:30 a.m. June 2nd, so everything’s looking p r e t t y hazy, but I can say with like ninety percent confidence that this is real life and I actually turned in my last assignment and actually went to my last final and am about to actually close the last chapter of what has been a remarkable story in a remarkable place. It’s getting reaaaal sentimental up in hurr, and it doesn’t help that Prof. Appleman gave the entire EDUC344 class ACTUAL CDs with “Fast Car” on them.

Obviously, I’m listening to it on repeat and trying not to drown in my own sea of tears*. (not joking) (seriously though, this song should come with a warning from the Surgeon General)

❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ 

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I made this Love Storm emoticon the other day, it just seems so relevant for this moment. The heart clouds are raining a storm of tears over everything, and well you know. Feeling a lot of feels right now. 
gunna go 2 sl33p now,
sorry for this post.
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seeyuh comps

I should start out by preemptively apologizing for what I am confident will be a ranty, lame fluff post that mostly consists of stolen APPROPRIATED images, non-sequiturs and enough caps lock to feed a third world country (see what I mean? You should probably close this tab now). BUT I am running on very little sleep AND just finished all my work for the term AND just opened the following letter in the mail:

Hogwarts, you can keep your owls at home because this piece of paper has made me happier than any wax-sealed acceptance letters you could send me. In case you can’t read the line inside of the appropriately placed color wheel of arrows (yeah SMart major yeah), this letter confirms that I, Paulina Lopez, AM DONE WITH MY COMPS and can now proceed to enjoy the rest of my senior year at Kawlton. COMPS refers to Carleton students’ undergrad thesis, which is supposed to represent the culmination of their education blah blah blah. At some point, I thought it was an acronym for something, but maybe I made that up.. Carleton’s Ominous Misery Project for Seniors. Chronic Overt Miserable Person Syndrome. Can Only Make People Sob. Chill Out Man Please Son. Don’t worry, I’ll submit these to the dean. 
The responsible, authorly thing to do at this point would be to show you the professional-quality pictures of my body of work and its accompanying artist statement. For now, suffice it to say that I made and wrote a bunch of things that speak to the processes of my memory. Also, I vaguely remember promising Ernesto that any artwork in my comps would be titled after Nickelback lyrics, so there’s that. 
At Carleton, it’s really cool for people to martyrize themselves over their comps, which (depending on the major) can consist of super long exams, group research projects, 60 page papers, so on and so forth. There’s a widely accepted ‘It’s not comps if you’re not bleeding from every pore’ mentality, which gets old pretty quickly for people who aren’t compsing. I definitely complained too much about comps, but I felt justified because the entire process basically dunked me face-first in alternate buckets of ice and boiling water while pumping my blood with self-doubt and squeezing out any remaining drops of optimism. I don’t even know. There were a lot of moments during this term when I felt like throwing all of my comps work into the Cannon River and Cannonballing (GEDDIT) in right after it. But I should be mature and recognize that comps pushed me to develop personally meaningful work of which I am moderately proud, etc. So.. come see my exhibit in May! Or maybe don’t. All I actually want you to see are the following images, which portray what it feels like to have just passed comps and be done with this entire term:


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Adventures in Interviewing Myself

It is a typical February afternoon here in Northfield, MN. The floor of Paulina Lopez’s studio in Boliou ( the neglected warehouse that functions as Carleton College’s art building) is covered in newsprint, chalk dust, plastic curlies from her relief blocks and the Death Blanket that she made last week for Advanced Sculpture. Much like Bill Watterson’s Calvin might spread his peas around his dinner plate to make it seem like he has been eating, Paulina has spent the last 8 weeks of Winter Term spreading her crap around her studio space to give the appearance of passionate art-making. Is it working? Why doesn’t she just work on comps instead of writing about comps? Will she ever finish the “It” audiobook she’s been listening to since last year? The answers to these questions and more are revealed in this exclusive interview.

Paulina 1: Thank you so much for taking time out of your busy schedule to meet. As I’m sure you’re aware, I’m running out of ways to put off my ever-increasing mountain of homework, and this interview has just made that so much easier. 


Paulina 2: I’m happy to oblige.

P1: Let’s get down to business, shall we? Tell me, how exactly does it feel to be done with the GRE?

P2: I’m so glad you asked. It feels GREat. .. I’ve been sitting on that one ever since I walked out of the Prometric place at Edina/Eden Prarie (what’s the difference, right?) but I didn’t want to say it until I got my scores back and could say with a fair level of surety that I wouldn’t be retaking it soon. WHICH I WILL NOT BE DOING. BECAUSE I GOT MY SCORES TODAY AND BOY DOES PASSING BY WITH BARELY ABOVE GROUND COLORS FEEL GOOD.    ..Wouldn’t you aGREe?

P1: How many more terrible GRE puns do you have?

P2: I could only think of those two. Forgive me, I was too busy recovering from all the PEMDAS review to go crazy with the wordplay this time. Sooo anyway, I’m done with the GRE. Booyah. .. I bet you’re GREen with envy. (Sorry, I just thought of that one now.)

P1: Are there any other recent accomplishments you want to share?


P2: Oh man, YES. I recently found out that Carrie Underwood and Colbie Caillat are two different people. Who’da thought? (not sure whether I spelled that right) But seriously, consider my paradigm shifted. All this time, I’d been skipping over Carrie’s tracks in Pandora because I thought she’d be singing about cute bubbly gingerbread dreams or whatever the actual Colbie Caillat sings about. Two weeks ago I was off my game (thank the lord) and “Before He Cheats” started playing before I saw Carrie’s name on the computer screen. Have you heard that song?!

P1: Well, it came out in 2007, so.. 

P2: I know, I’m still recovering from the fact that I’ve gone 5ish years (yeah GRE math!) without knowing this song. It could’ve come in handy for all those times I wanted to ruin someone’s pretty little souped up 4-wheel drive! Which add up to about zero, because Mark Irish’s twenty year old Explorer wasn’t pretty or souped up, and besides, the only car I’ve ever envisioned beating to death belonged to the Northgate Driving School during my second (and last) practice driving hour in eleventh grade and wasn’t pretty, souped up, or a 4 wheel drive. It was one of those cars built with an extra set of brakes in the shotgun seat, which I’d always assumed were fake and just there to give the student driver a reassuring sense of security. Speaking from personal experience, I can assure you that the extra brakes are actually very, very functional.

 No, but I was actually really impressed with myself for knowing what a Louisville Slugger is when Carrie mentioned it in the chorus. I’ve gone to the Louisville Slugger museum/factory, so I think I’d know exactly how to use it on a couple of headlights. And I still owe Northgate four practice driving hours, soooooo you know.

P1: I still don’t get how you could think Colbie Caillat and Carrie Underwood were the same person.. 


P2: Don’t get judgy, anyone could’ve made the same mistake. They’re both blonde. They both play guitar.. I think. Anyway, the good news isn’t over yet! Because apart from discovering “Before He Cheats,” I also learned that Carrie Underwood is the voice behind “Jesus Take The Wheel,” which I have loved half-sarcastically, half-sincerely ever since Karen K. showed it to our seminary class in 9th grade.


P1: Any other music-related accomplishments? 


P2: Duh. Well, no. This next one isn’t an accomplishment as much as it is an opinion.. but here goes. The Spanish version of Shakira’s “Rabiosa” is way better than the English version with Pitbull. I KNOW, WHAT?


P1: But it has Pitbull!

P2: I knoooow but trust me, the non-Pitbull one is better. It may have something to do with the music video, which is the same for both versions and doesn’t show Pitbull at all, so you’re just watching Shakira flirt with this guy who is obviously not Pitbull while Pitbull is singing seductively.. it’s weird. Like, bad weird, not freakyhawt weird.

P1: Tell a little bit about your position on the Carleton College Memes FB page.

P2: I was totally for this page before it existed, because I was tired of hearing crickets whenever I browsed month-old post after month-old post on r/carletoncollege. I thought, “Oh, a Facebook memes page will be so much more dynamic and colorful and fun.” I had envisioned people investing as much energy into the page as they do writing incoherent, unfunny CLAP articles every Friday, only it would be even better because Facebook wouldn’t have an 11 pm submission deadline OR pile up on my coffee table each week. I hadn’t, however, envisioned 75% of the memes being THE SAME CONDESCENDING WONKA STOLAF JOKE. So.. back to r/carletoncollege it is. Which isn’t so bad, really, because that’s where this nugget of truth resides.

P1: What has been your most empowering experience in the past few weeks?

P2: You mean other than memorizing the “Before He Cheats” lyrics and singing it for two hours straight while I hammered away at advanced sculpture stuff? It’s hard to get more empowering than that. Buuuuut there was that moment last Sunday afternoon during a church potluck when this 6 year-old kid named Connor maniacally piled my fruit salad onto his plate while yelling “This is my favorite thing EVERRR!” Talk about a self-confidence booster. Never mind the fact that 10 minutes later, I saw him telling a cherry pie, “Ooooh, Connor likes what he sees. Connor’s gonna eat you all up.” First of all, talking to food in third person shouldn’t be so stigmatized. Secondly, Connor didn’t say Cherry Pie was his favorite thing ever, so I’d like to think I still have that special place in his heart.


P1: This has certainly been enlightening. Any last words before checking out?

P2: You mean something that will bring inspiration, personal growth, love and/or happiness to people’s everyday lives? Well, I’d like to second searchquotes.com in saying that you can’t go wrong with any Young Money quotes. 16 out of the 29 inspirational Young Money quotes are all from Bed Rock, so you know that’s promising. BUT if you’re still skeptical, feel free to peruse this other source of inspiration/personal growth/etc. YOU’RE WELCOME.


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Before I melt down and cry from the stress of finals/life..

haha oh wait, I already did that TODAY. On the way back from Econo Food carrying a ton of groceries. And then again in my apartment.The day I get to spend my life sitting at home eating blueberries and reading blogs and watching Justin Bieber’s “Somebody to Love” music video will be the happiest day of my life.

Seriously, have you seen that video? I am currently watching it in the library and this kid just walked past my computer screen and gave me a LOOK. This next part is directed at you. All I want to do in life (this is not a joke. NOT a joke.) is spend every breath trying to recreate this video. There are approximately eleven dance sequences that give me major butterflies inside, including but limited to: 1) backpack dance sequence  2) impossible footwork by Usher 3) Beat Freaks dance sequence 4) the HSM-style All In This Together sequence at the end. And (approx) seven other sequences that make SYTYCD look like a hot mess. This video is the bomb.

Thoughts
1. Do you know how I’m officially a boring senior? Because I spent last Friday printing a 500 (500!!!!) page reading. On Head Start. It’s actually sort of fascinating (I’m a nerd) but.. I mean it’s 500 pages. It’s a good thing Carleton’s insane tuition covers all printing on campus. I had to tell this hurried-looking freshman she should probably use another printer because I was gonna be there a while. I was that person. Since this monster was too big for the butch heavy duty stapler (which maxes out at 60 pages), the librarian had to find me a binder clip. Call this mundane but I feel pretty freaking accomplished right about now. 500 pages! Also, there is no way I am doing grad school after this experience. You can only brag about this sort of thing once, not once a week for 5 years so…

2. More complaining about school: Is it just me, or is the author of the article on the left trying to kill all of its readers? It’s 80 pages long and ALL OF IT is in yellow text with black background. It felt like one of those weird exercises where you stare at a thing and then stare at a blank wall and see Jesus or a happy face, only I kept seeing a purple wall of text about the environmental effects on IQ.

wth

3. Pros and Cons of my African-American lit class. Cons: Waste of approx ten hours per week. Pros: Get to watch the film adaptation of “Waiting to Exhale” starring Whitney Houston (“and IIIIIII”), the guy who plays Turk in Scrubs, and Adele from Grey’s Anatomy. It’s like the Ghosts of TV Shows Past are reminding me that I still haven’t finished seasons 5- whatever.


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@aniluap11

Warning: This post contains inappropriate/obnoxious use of caps lock. 

okay so long story short some jerk on twitter stole the internet handle I have been using since I was eleven years old and IT IS NOT OKAY. I’ve been daydreaming for weeks about all the cool hashtags I was gonna use and how fun it would be to retweet The Hater and now all those dreams have gone up in flames.

Paulina Melgoza Hdz has tweeted exactly ONE time in the last year, she has ZERO followers and is only following SIX other tweeters (five of whom are famous celebrities, and one is the Morelia Film Festival).

It’s been like 10 years since I’ve had to come up with a new username for something. I’m so upset I can’t even communicate how upset I am in more than 140 characters. I don’t even want a twitter anymore.

I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY ERNESTO MANUEL LLANO

#fffuuu #thatsnotyourname #actuallyistillwantatwitter