Pro-Procrastination


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22B422 Pt. 3: My dream job as Pawnee Muralist

I’m already behind on this project despite the 2-day handicap I gave myself, so let’s get at it.
Some people have lofty, respectable goals in life: save lives every day at Seattle Grace Mercy West hospital, run the Boston Marathon, back-up dance with Justin Bieber*, etc.

* Actually, back-up dancing with Justin is my Number 2 Dream Job. I just wrote a really long tangent describing my ideal “Boyfriend” music video, but I’m gonna save it for tomorrow’s post.

So anyway, my Number 1 Dream Job is to be the Pawnee Parks and Recreation muralist, and here are 6 reasons why:

1. The 1914 Pawnee Zoo, which housed a Jewish ornithologist.

2. Pawnee’s Sunday Boxing matches in the 1880’s. 

3. The trial of Chief Wamapo, who was accused “being Indian,” a crime punishable by death in 1834. 

4. The Spirit of Pawnee.. there are like 10 scenes going on here. Like a Chinese man eating a hamburger.

5. The progressive wedding between a Wamapoke chief and a white woman which ended in a bloodbath. 

6. The traveling magician who was burned at the stake for being accused of witchcraft in 1973. 
If I’ve learned anything from being a studio art major, it’s that it’s a lot easier to paint a joke than to paint something you want to be taken seriously. It’s also a lot funner to paint a joke (ZURICH DADA I’M LOOKING AT YOU). So why not get paid $10,000 for each one?! I’m telling you, this job would be the best thing ever, plus I’d get to use up that $20 tube of titanium white oil paint I still haven’t finished. 
Like everything else in Parks and Rec, the murals are exaggerations based on truths, and I’d like to argue that while the paintings are mostly for laughs, they also remind the audience of unattractive periods in U.S. history that usually get glossed over. This post isn’t going to get into a tangled up argument about whether trivializing those events does more harm than good, I’m sure you can find plenty of those  somewhere else. I just want to say that the murals are more than just jokes, and that their satirical take on politics has the potential to contribute more to our education and understanding of U.S. history than most contemporary art. 

7. BONUS REASON: The McSteamy music box. Are you looking at this?!! It looks photoshopped BUT IT’S NOT. IT’S MARK SLOANE INSIDE OF A MUSIC BOX!!! Probably singing “Let him know that you know best/ cause after all, you do know best.”As Pawnee muralist, I would obviously take the reigns for this and other sculpture projects that objectify my favorite TV characters. Ernesto and I just watched this episode today and I about choked on my dinner in utter surprise/glee/adoration when Amy Poehler popped this up. Greg Daniels and Michael Schur, this is the best early birthday present I could have asked for.

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22 before twenty-two: Part 1

Hey dere old bloggy old pal! I’m sorry that I spent literally all of spring break ignoring you.. The truth is that all of my spring break blog posts talk about how much time I spent watching The O.C., and this year I was a little busy finishing the last Hunger Games book before going to the midnight showing on the 28th (so I could know ahead of time which characters not to get attached to). Aside from all of my complicated feelings about the story once I’d finished the third book, I was mostly ecstatic about the fact that I didn’t have to read any more strained present-tense narration. Holy mother of all that is sacred. If I ever have to read so much as a paragraph of heavy action in present-tense prose I’ll probably dunk my face in battery acid.

Over the past few years that I’ve been browsing dA BlOgOsPhErE, I’ve noticed a lot of people making early deadline bucket lists (see this onethis one, and this other one). SO I’M DOING IT, TOO, GUYS. Cause it’s almost my birthday and if there’s any way I would love to spend my entire birthday, it’s making lists about unimportant things. Also.. this is a palindrome birthday (I’d call it a palinbirthday, but you know), which demands an extra heaping dose of special.

You and I both know that I won’t actually do anything on a bucket list I’ll make for myself, so the goal of this project is to make 22 lists before twenty-two. Wahoo! Also, I’m starting this early because this month starts with April Fool’s Day and saying “I’m gonna make all these lists.. PSYCH SUCKA” is lamer than the current prank I have planned (which is nothing at all) (or is it) (trust no one).

Obviously, it’s not a bucket list without a graphic-designy logo!

Nothing like a fish fossil background to get me excited about being the same age forwards and backwards! 
List One: Songs That Make Me Cry
I think that I spend a lot of time on this blog writing about how much I cry. Make no mistake, it’s all super true. What’s also true is that it takes very little for me to cry. I make Brod’s 613 sadnesses look like an episode of Parks and Rec. I cried when I read The Hunger Games. I cried when I watched The Lorax. I went absolutely ballistic when I got halfway through The Rape of Nan-King, like actual bawling.  Here’s a list of songs that make me cry. Always. Even if it’s only on the inside (but honestly, it’s usually on the outside, too). 
1. “Someone Like You” by Adele. You knew this. SNL knows it. I just had to get it out of the way. 
2. “You Were Meant For Me” by Jewel. Jewel has some weeeird stuff, but this has been my go-to song ever since my first experience with unrequited love in the second grade.
3. “Thank You” by Dido. I’m still debating whether or not to put “Stan” on this list.. (jk) (but seriously, Stan had it bad). 
4. “Hide and Seek” by Imogen Heap. This is a beautiful song, SYTYCD did a breathtaking piece to it a few years back, blahblahblah.. ALSO this is the song that played when Marisa shot Trey when he was about to kill Ryan and well.. consider this my belated The. O.C. Spring Break post. 
5. “Hero” by Regina Spektor. Because this is the song from that scene in 500 Days of Summer that just rips your heart out of your chest and squishes it into jelly and splatters it into the floor. 
6. “Free Fallin” cover by John Mayer. There’s just something about the way that John Mayer sings this so tenderly that I almost forget he broke T-Swift’s heart. 
7. “Hallelujah,” by Leonard Cohen. In Quebec I met a guy who could play this song on a set of wine glasses. I was super happy with myself for remembering enough French to talk to him, and he was super happy with me because I bought one of his CDs. 
8. “It Will Rain,” by Bruno Mars. .. EARLY APRIL FOOL! 
9. “Aeroplane Over The Sea,” by Neutral Milk Hotel. For summer sadnesses.
10. “Video Games” by Lana del Rey. Like all the best things in my life, I hated this when I heard it for the first time. And the second time. And the third time. After the nth time I skipped it on Pandora, I changed my mind and decided it was kind of hauntingly pretty and sort of eerie and makes you feel like a ghost. In good ways. Basically, this  is my comps in a song.* (see tangent below) It’s also heartbreaking (unlike my comps). 
So there you have it, for days when you really need to cry about how you have to buy full-price wings or how there still isn’t a new Grey’s Anatomy episode. Or if you hate me and want to see me suffer, you know which playlist to play in my torture chamber. 
*GOOD NEWS EVERYONE. My comps title has officially been archived by Carleton College as “This Is How You Remind Me; Of What I Really Am.” Which I think is a work of art in itself. 


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Two Things. Also, spoilers.

1. Hey! So it’s winter break, which means that when I’m not sleeping 10 hours a night and listening to Michael Buble’s Christmas album, I’m unearthing diamonds in the rough like this guy (or woman.. ah?!!?):

I AM MRS. NESBITT!

NO WORDS! Coming from someone who has dressed up as Toy Story characters/ props several times (once as the pterodactyl doll from Andy’s room, once as the bowl of Fruit Loops Woody dunks his head into.. don’t worry, I’m looking for the pictures) , I can only say that I have nothing but rock solid admiration and love for this man, who has pulled off the world’s greatest Toy Story costume I’ve ever seen.

2. Also, Grey’s Anatomy remains the single most impressively jaw-dropping teledrama I have ever laid eyes on. I know it sucks when people talk nonstop about TV shows.. but I can’t help it. This show has broken about ten million glass ceilings on what is okay to show on television and how much human suffering viewers are capable of withstanding before taking their eyes out with an ice cream scoop (which is essentially what I would have to do if I wanted to stop watching this show). For example :

The one where Izzy goes crazy and cuts her fiance’s LVAD wire, then spends like week in the bathroom in her prom dress when he dies anyway, then has hallucinations for a year. 
The one where someone shoots McDreamy IN THE HEART.
The episode where two people were impaled with the same pole. Actually. And they were facing each other, so one had to watch the other die as he got pulled off.
Mediocre medical teledramas might draw the line at Stephen King-esque hallucinations or double impalements, but Grey’s Anatomy spares no expense. NO EXPENSE. Which is how they got to episode 18 of season 7 .. the Musical. 

It’s not enough that Dr. Callie Torres and her baby (Dr. Sloane’s baby!)  are about ten minutes away from dying, but everyone has to be singing The Fray’s “How to Save A Life” while they are literally failing to save her life. I don’t know whose idea this was, but I’m making it my duty to:

Step One – Find out who and tell them we need to talk.
Step Two – Say ‘Sit down, it’s just a talk.”
Step Three – Punch them in the face for letting Ellen Pompeo sing at all. Not even The Fray deserves that sort of suffering.. please.
Step Four – Sign over my soul in gratitude for allowing Dr. Sloane to sing a whole half a verse, which I have engraved into my heart for time and all eternity.  I have fallen in love with Mark Sloane about sixty times during this show, and “Let him know that you know best, cause after all you do know best,” makes this the 61st time.