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Men I Love

(or have loved)

John Mayer
Kellen Anderson
Nomar Garciaparra
Denzel Washington
Robin Williams
Colton Waters
Chris Fuchs
Tom Hanks
Justin Timberlake
Will Smith
Cute Sophomore Boy Who Draws An X Over His Eye
Adam Brody
Michael Jackson (may he rest in peace)
Jonathan Safran Foer
Pitbull/Daddy Yankee
Michael Crichton (may he rest in peace)
Aaron Kaufman
Ewan McGregor
Don Corleone

Teh Numbahz

Total: 20
Number of Men Omitted In order to have an easier Total for the dividing I’m about to do: 2
Number of Men Combined In order to have an easier Total for the diving I’m about to do: 2
(Pitbull and Daddy Yankee are kind of the same in my book)
Percentage of Men that are Incredibly Sexy: 40 %
Percentage of Men that are Black: 20% (including MJ, because it made the math easier)
Of those incredibly sexy dancers, percentage of Men that are Black: 60%
Percentage of Michaels that are dead: 100%
Percentage of Men that are incredible singers: 30%
Percentage of Men that melt my heart with their words: 15%
Percentage of Men that can do hilarious voice impressions: 5%
Percentage of Men that have dark brown/black hair: 80%
Percentage of Men that are incredible dancers: 15%
Of those incredible dancers, percentage of Men that are Black: 50% (MJ = 0.5 of a Black man, for easier math)

1. Black men are sexy, incredible dancers.
2. All Michaels will inevitably die and break your heart into a million little pieces. ALL MICHAELS. It don’t matter if they’re black or white.


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People Who Never Had My Permission To Grow Up

but did it behind my back, anyways.

Lindsey Lohan: You really shouldn’t be on this list because I can only care about one set famous twins, and the Olsens have held that slot since 1995, when I started watching Full House. And I KNOW that you claim to be one person, what with the alleged camera tricks in The Parent Trap. But you’re not fooling me. You can’t Royal Flush yourself in poker. You can’t fence with yourself. You can’t cut your own hair with your eyes closed while moaning about your hair in a “fake” British accent. You’re hiding a twin, and it’s that twin who has tanned herself into a booby (adj) carrot who spends her nights going clubbing with Madonna and getting arrested for driving drunk.

Lizzie McGuire: (less commonly known as Hillary Duff) No! You’re dating a hockey player with no teeth? You had a threesome in Gossip Girl? You make jokes about not having gone to college with George Lopez on his talk show? George Lopez has a talkshow? No no no this is all wrong. You are supposed get married to Gordo and have hacky-sack-loving babies. You are supposed to continue wearing sequined jeans and butterfly clips. What’s the point of ANYTHING if sequins and butterfly clips aren’t cool anymore?

Mary-KateAndAshley Olsen: I’ll never forget the day I saw half of you on the cover of People magazine for anorexia. I’ll never forget it because, what the heck, why didn’t Ashley have anorexia, too? Just because you are both a little taller and hotter than your detective super-sleuthing days doesn’t mean that you can suddenly have separate lives. This completely shameless disregard for the principles of twindom shakes me at the core. When Mary-Kate dropped out of NYU, Ashley followed. When Ashley became CEO of Dualstar, so did Mary-Kate. There’s no “I” in Olsen.

Dora The Explorer: It’s understandable that after 9 years of Nick Jr. stardom, you might want to ditch the M-shaped hair, the tubby tummy and the talking backpack. And the velcro-strap shoes, because it doesn’t matter how old you get, shoelaces will never be fun. But why would you want to be a tween? Why? You’ll never be cool enough, not even with your matching purple headband/belt/leggings. All the other girls will start shaving before you, leaving you to wallow in hairy misery during P.E. School dances won’t be that bad if you have a literal circle of friends to hang out with, but once Enrique Iglesias starts singing “Hero”, you’ll only have a few seconds to find some spiky-haired boy to slow dance with before you lose all desirability.

0:04 ( slow guitar) – everyone has recognized the slow song
0:08 (‘Let me be your hero..‘) – circle of friends disperses, you scan the room for people on your buddy list
0:13 (‘Would you dance..) – you start walking faster, people are already pairing off
0:16 (‘..if I asked you to dance?..) – hey look! there’s-wait they just got asked. Over there- dangit they just asked someone else. If I sprint across the room I could ask- crap they just got asked.
0:23 (‘Would you run, and never look back?..) – you look around frantically for loners looking around frantically
0:29 (‘Would you cry if you saw me crying?..)- oh Lord, even Doug Lee is dancing with someone already
0:35 (‘..or would you save my soul tonight?) – whatever, you’ve really had to pee anyways. There’s nothing wrong with staying in the bathroom for the next 3 minutes and 46 seconds.

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I’m s!ck.

See, the artist formerly known as Pink isn’t the only one who can make punctuation part of the alphabet! All it takes is a little wah-I’m-not-Britney-because-I-have-a-dykey-haircut-and-a-man-voice angst. Which I don’t have. I have a sore throat and the irresistable urge to loop my Britney playlist.

An In Depth Comparative Analysis of Britney Spears vs P!nk (Pink) songs

a) Don’t Let Me Get Me : Pink is a failure who hates herself.
b) Lucky : Britney’s alter ego constantly fakes happiness and perfection for the sake of her adoring fans, but on the inside she’s a victim of fame who cry cry cries in her lonely heart.

Winner: Um, I’m pretty sure that I’d secretly cry in the car (JUST LIKE BRITNEY) every time Lucky came on Radio Disney. It’s heartwarming, heartbreaking, and catchy, aka it’s wonderful.

a) Family Portrait : Wahwah dysfuntional family. A kid’s chorus? “Your pain is painful”? This is the radio, not a Lifetime movie, P!nk.
b) Toxic : Whooooa wait wait, can Britney get any edgier? I can’t even tell what she says in this song because it sounds like a bunch of squeaky dolphin sounds, but it’s got to be good because she’s wearing a glitter suit in the music video.

Winner: Dolpin squeaks aside, I think it’s clear where Stephanie Meyer got her inspiration for sparkly vampire skin. Which should automatically make P!nk the winner this one, but the fact that Karen Kennedy, Mormonest Mormon on the face of the earth, had Toxic as her ringtone makes Britney the winner.

a) Who Knew : It took me approx. 1.5 years to realize that this was, in fact, P!nk, and not Kelly Clarkson. The violins in the background made it really easy to believe so.
b) Hit Me, Baby (One More Time) : This song was revolutionary because Britney made lame things super-sexy. Eraser pencil tops? Sexy. Pigtails? Sexy. P.E.? Sexxxxxxxy.

Winner: Well, Kelly doesn’t actully sing Who Knew, and even if she did, Kelly can’t do a back handspring while singing “Oh pretty baby there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do.” BRITNEY IT IS!

In conclusion, Paulina Lopez will have good days and sore throat days, but no matter what, Britney Spears will always be there for her, in sickness or in health. Even if she doesn’t show up on the Facebook Music Info.