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Your Major Sucks

Unless you’re one of the twelve chaplain’s associates on campus, you came to Carleton College because you’re an open-minded atheist who fills in the ‘religion’ slot on Facebook with “LOLZ”. Quit beating around the bush and let’s say what we mean: you’re majoring in Southeast Asian Bits of Wisdom That Are Easy to Quote and Don’t Conflict with Laws of Physics.

Asian Studies
The rest of campus is well aware that the common ChristoJudeoIslamicisms aren’t trendy enough for your Yogalates/Herb-infused lifestyle, and actually, everyone secretly wishes they could be as exotic as you in every aspect of their lives. But instead of wallpapering our dorms with mystic waterfall posters or handpainted calendars outlined in Confucianisms, we celebrate our Asian mystique by watching anime.

Environmental Studies
Here’s what happened: someone got you to watch An Inconvenient Truth and Planet Earth. You fell in love with saving the precious world we live in. You took Intro Bio and realized you suck at science. You suck at labs. You suck at the facts. But you LOVE THE NATURAL WORLD WITH ALL YOUR BEING and nothing is going to stop you from patching up the ozone layer and building schools out of recycled Lipton bottles! Nothing.

Ever since you got back from the Paris study-abroad program, you realized several things. 1. Smoking isn’t stupid if you’re foreign. 2. Making snotty remarks about American fashion and the way no one make coffee the right way can be more than a hobby.. it can be the focus of your liberal arts education!

Kurt Meister.


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August Manifesto

This Is Currently Who I Am In Terms Of

music. Party In the USA, Bruises, Mas Que Nada, Wake Up Call, Tire Swing
movies. The Godfather, Juno, Little Miss Sunshine
books. The Godfather, Jurassic Park, The Outsiders
people I hate. everyone who didn’t get this memo
people I want to be.